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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Review: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D

Horror films have been in a bit of a rut lately, with most movies being a remake of sorts (Asian or of the '80s slasher variety) or low-budget torture porn movies often followed with a number of sorts in yearly installments. While the movies are still popular in their niche the films are often critically panned and ignored by the general public. With a tag line of "Nothing says 'date movie' like a 3D ride to hell" you'd either ironically want to see it or label it as another stupid horror remake and ignore it completely. I'm pleased to say both reactions would be perfectly acceptable and depending on which one you've chosen you'd know whether or not its worth seeing this movie.



Seeing My Bloody Valentine 3D was a surreal experience. It's the kind of movie that you'd completely forget about upon leaving the theater but have fond memories of it anyway. The plot follows around a sheriff in a small mining town ten years after a miner brutally massacred a bunch of teenagers with a pick-axe. After the murderer was shot dead and buried by the cops, the small mining town became a tourist attraction of sorts from the popularity of the horror story. Now the killer has mysteriously returned while in the meantime the hot shot sheriff is suspicious that his wife has been cheating on him. Don't expect any more set-up than that during the film's short sans credits 90 minute run time.

If your expecting a thriller with elaborately crafted scares, you might as well stop reading this review now half the theater was laughing at any given time during the movie. My Bloody Valentine 3D NEVER takes itself seriously and as a result almost turns into a weird parody of the current horror remake scene, playing off of every single 3D gimmick in the process. The original 1981 My Bloody Valentine was not a horror classic by any means and if taken seriously this could have just been another forgettable remake much like last spring's Prom Night.

Without spoiling anything, the events revolve around the death of a woman who's only function in the film was to be naked for five or so minutes. The scene is ridiculous and we keep on getting glimpses of the sheriff re-watching the suggestive witness tape throughout. A lot of the characters would shout at sporadic moments and scenes that would supposed to be dramatic would drag on way longer than they should for comedic effect. At one time the sheriff stood by the grave and argued whether or not the killer was actually dead for upwards of 10 minutes, usually repeating the same "are you SURE he was dead?" line again and again.

If you've enjoyed Snakes on a Plane and are tired of catching up on the underwhelming Academy Award nominees grab ahold of some sarcastic friends and a $2 REAL-D surcharge and you'd be up for a fantastic time. Just don't expect to think much.

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